Rotating Header Image

My breakup story

I created this site in order to help other people who find themselves experiencing a breakup, loss and heartbreak.  Let me tell you how this all came about.

My fiancé and I (together for seven years), now ex fiancé, were both looking forward to parenting our first child, however unfortunately it was not meant to be and she miscarried.  We were both devastated and heartbroken, and it took a long while to come to terms with.

Not long after, my father who I was very close to, passed away at only 57 from a massive heart attack. I was shocked and heartbroken, and knowing that he would never get to see me have children made it that much harder to bear.

I was understandably grieving both losses but coping as best I knew how, just getting on with life.  My late father who was disabled had instilled this attitude in me from childhood, so it was the only way I knew.

Christmas came and without Dad around none of us was really looking forward to it.  To make things worse the family cat became ill on Christmas Eve and was unfortunately put to sleep.  I will always remember digging a cat size grave on Christmas Eve in my mum’s front garden (weird family tradition, before you ask) thinking that next year must get better, surely it can’t get any worse.

A couple of months into the New Year and my fiancé told me that she was no longer in love with me anymore and that she wanted to end our relationship and breakup for good.  This was the final blow for me, I am normally a very head strong optimistic positive person, but the breakup knocked me for six.  I never saw it coming, I could handle losing dad (without sounding harsh death happens) but my fiancé and I were meant to be together, or so I thought, how could this be?!

I couldn’t cope after the breakup and heartbreak from the previous months and  and was close to suicide, I had let everything build up and this was the final tipping point, I could no longer see the positive side of anything.  I struggled to handle the miscarriage the loss of my father and now the breakup with my fiancé.  On top of this I now had to think about finances and moving out, we had lived together for five years or so, and how this would change my circumstances forever, it all felt too much to handle.

I am very lucky to have a very close group of friends and family, which I spoke to a lot about my problems.  However I was careful not burden my family about my breakup to much as they were still grieving my father and I felt that as much as they care for me, that they did not know the grief and pain that I was going through, don’t get me wrong their support was very much needed and appreciated, however I felt I needed further help.

So I tried one to one counselling for a few sessions  and spoke at length about the breakup of the relationship and the death of my father, but unfortunately I did not find it that helpful.  I continued to look elsewhere for help and luckily came across a number of internet sites that dealt with grief, breakups and heartbreak.  I read a lot of these sites and they really helped, I was helped most by knowing that I was not alone and that other people out there were experiencing their own heartbreak, and in a lot of cases worse break ups and problems than I.

When you are grieving the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship you can feel very alone. But knowing that you are not alone and that nearly everyone on the planet has experienced a breakup and the same sort of problems or on many occasions’ worse, is somehow comforting.

This gave me hope; I read lots of other people’s stories on how they survived some very traumatic break ups and heartbreaking times and how they survived and how they are now happier than they were before their breakup.

What was very clear in nearly every example I read was how that person had become stronger and had learned a lot about themselves during that period of recovery.

I am not a weak person and consider myself very headstrong as I have had a very solid and grounded upbringing (which I am eternally grateful for) in a close loving social network; however I think circumstances can push the boundaries of our own strength and sometimes we all need a little help. For me all I needed was this little extra help in reading others breakup stories and how others coped.

I have learnt a lot about myself over the last few years, and am so much happier now, happier than I was before all of this started.  I hope you find this site useful and it helps you with your own recovery.  Don’t give up, you are more resilient than you think!!

 

What am I doing now, I here you ask?

I know you didn’t, but I’m going to tell you anyway.  I returned from a long trip to Canada where I learnt to become a fully qualified snowboard instructor, it was amazing and I would never probably have done that, was it not for my breakup.

I have created this website and followed my dream to create a snowboard product, a helmet camera mount called Camera Demon.

My situation could not be more different from my long term relationship and I am truly enjoying life again.  I met a lovely young lady who I married this year (my wedding photos here if you are interested), we have now been together for 6 years and I could not be happier.  I only add my photos to show you that life goes on, this was the happiest day of my life.

Life goes on and I wouldn’t change anything.  I do still think of these dark times in my life, but now I look back and see that this is all just part of the journey of life.  Without the dark you would never appreciate the light!

None of us have a crystal ball and wouldn’t it be boring if we did, but I truly hope that you learn from this experience and not dwell on the ‘what ifs?’ as it is so easy to do, but start to embrace life with the full passion it deserves again.  It probably won’t be easy, but nothing worth having is.  I wish you good luck along the way.

Me in Canada after my break up

 A big thank you to my family and friends who have been there for me throughout (without sounding melodramatic) your love and support knows no bounds and I am eternally grateful (sorry about all the bitching and moaning)

 

16 Comments

  1. Enna says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago, and he stopped communicating with me since then. I went through hell every single day wondering what went wrong and what I could’ve done to prevent it from happening. I questioned myself so many times, asking if it was all my fault. But then I kept reminding myself why breaking up was for the better. Our relationship wasn’t healthy anymore. So, weeks after the break up, I was beginning to feel better until the day came when he contacted me. My phone rang and I had to blink ten times upon seeing his number flashing on my phone screen. I made the mistake of answering the phone and talking to him because we ended up seeing each other and hope grew in me. Hope that we will rebuild our broken relationship. It was a mistake communicating with him and seeing him. I thought I needed the closure. I didn’t know I was only hurting myself again. Right now I don’t know if I could find and love someone as much as I loved him. I hope I could. The loneliness, emptiness, and self-doubt I’m feeling hurts like hell. It really does. I don’t know when I will be able to completely heal from this but I’m hoping sooner than later because I feel really depressed,hopeless and helpless right now. But nothing’s permanent in this world so this heartbreak shall come to pass.

  2. will says:

    crikey michael, you carried on when many wouldve given up.. to lose family, pets, cash and a mrs at the same time, credit to you for getting back on track..

    yes im currently trying to heal after splitting in february (moving out of our apartment we shared).. its hard to imagine myself with anyone else and any rebounds just end up making me worse.. plus i hear she is seeing someone new which feels like a triple knot in the stomach now!
    we are both from the uk but live in sydney so my family is on the other side of the world..
    ive lost my girlfriend, apartment, have very little money and trying to piece together what it is i should now do with my life.. its very hard.. we were in contact for a while after the split which actually enabled her to move on in stages and left me with false hope and further heartbreak..

    after a farewell meal 3 1/2 weeks ago, i have not emailed or spoken to her once.. im hoping not having her in my life will heal the scars although the temptation to get in touch with her is overwhelming at times..

    post break up ‘lads’ nights out and everything that goes with that, as much as it can help in the short term, also doesnt do much good for the wallet or health.. so plan to take some time out and just get my head straight and play some golf!

    michael youre an inspiration and it makes me feel very humble with my minor problems. i hope everything is working out for you..

    keep strong everyone.. the sun is still shining and theres still a chance we can all be happy..

    thanks
    will x

  3. yem says:

    Losing someone you hoped to build a future with is probably d most devastating experience I av ever had.Dating for over 4yrs and making marriage plans and all dat went up like a smoke screen and suddenly you ar faced with bittersweet memories wit a broken heart frightened to love all over again,scared to go through d harrowing experience of finding urself alone all over again,been d butt of a joke not funny at all.d shock of d betrayal still plaguing u.my love 4 him suddenly turned to grief n frustration den anger and finally triumph over d feeling of despair.its over a year now and I av accomplished so much in my career(finally got my medical degree and working now).and moving on with my life.

  4. Kirsty says:

    Lol to the comment above.

    It’s so true, I’m a student midwife and have just done a sexual health module at Uni. The over forties are as promiscuous as teenagers due to divorcing once the kids are grown and reliving their youth.

    I’m thirty and my partner of ten years has been having an eight month affair with a 19yo! He also got her pregnant, I truly feel your pain

  5. susan says:

    Try to email me. I guarantee we will be able to support each other. You are so young still Jenny. My sister is 48 andhas just completed a degree and is blissfully happy with a new man who adores her. Her husband had an affair too. He also went with prostitutes and left my sister and her two kids penniless. My other sister was bereaved at 42 and lost the love of her life. Shes now 50 and last year, at 49!!!! she married a lovely man she met on Dating Direct. So you see you have all the time in the world. Lots of lovely people are single now. Lots of people are divorced and lonely. This is the age at which we all have a new start. Theres millions of us. I have seen lots of my riends marry in their 20s and are now splitting up. The kids are grown and they have grown apart. Everywhere I see middle aged couples in love and I know that these people are not with their original partners. I see couples in their 40s and 50s kissing in dark corners of country pubs. We are all at it!!! We are all looking for someone new to love and age is NOT a barrier. If you were 65 you would look at a 45 year old and wish you were that age. It would seem so young. It is young!!!! I have a left arm full of scars from self harm but I have no trouble meeting men. I have to admit Im not really interested at the moment but the offers are there if I care to take them up. I prefer to be single at the moment. Even though Im terribly lonely. I am weak sometimes and vulnerable but I wont ever be with a man who has done what your ex has done. What would it take for you to do what he has done!!!. Its so low and mean. Its the behaviour of a teenager. Not a 50 year od man. You are the one with morals and standards. You are the lady. Ill or not, your soul is pure. You havent hurt anyone and unfortunately us ladies are often used by weak men. Thats why the majority of people in caring professions are women. We are nurturers by nature. Nurture yourself Jenny and your family. Dont be there for this twit. Send him on his sad way.

  6. susan says:

    Oh Jenny, You poor lady. Please dont think you are not young. Im 46 and alone and I dont feel old. You have so much ahead of you. I have been through divorce, he had an affiair, the break up a five year relationship, he left me and now Im alone again. Just me and my cats. I have long term depression, cant work and just have two kitkats to keep me company. I understand the emptiness, the lonliness is horrendous. Sometimes I just want to scream. Jenny your health is a big big factr in your situation. I realise that. However you must realise that youe ex has been so weak and selfish and has done the things he did because he is a poor excuse for a human being. My ex husband told me that he couldnt bear to be alone so he married his girlfriend asap rather than risk being alone. He was crying when he told me this. He said that he felt guilty as he had left me alone whilst he had someone to go as he was too cowardly to be left alone. You have given your ex an enormous outlet. he has used your kindness to bolster himself up. Take it away and he will crumble. Hes only coped so well as he has had you to lean on. You are the survivor. I am too. My mom told me I was like her, I am strong and I will survive. My mom had a hell of a crap life. Shes still here and shes happy. I have been suicidal in the past and have self harmed. You have a inite amount of strength and your ex is sapping it because he is needy. You must keep it for your own recovery. He is disgusting. You are not. When he is talking to you he is draining you. He isnt giving, he is taking. You see it as a chance to outlet your feelings but in reality hes doing it just for himself. The fact that you talked on Skype means that he wanted you to be there for him He wasnt trying to be there for you. He had sex with another woman who could have given him a disease, he didnt protect himself. He didnt protect you. If you were going to get back togehther he could have harmed you. The lodger is an immigrant yes? She will have leave to remain here i she is pregnant by a British citizen.He allowed himself to be used. What a complete idiot. I wish we could email directly. Im on ziggysue@fsmail.net.

  7. Jenny says:

    Thanks for this site. My boyfriend of 7 years has betrayed me. We have been very close and for most of our relationship have been able to talk about everything I thought we were great friends too. Sorry the story is long! A year and a half ago I was ill with Pneumonia and had a protracted recovery with ups and downs only to be told last summer that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My boyfriend had been supportive during the illness and we seemed to be ok as a couple, we don’t live together and as I was tired a lot of the time around about september october I wasn’t going over to his as just working and recovering after work so no socialising at all. He had some stresses with an aggressive lodger and had to evict him which meant he couldn’t stay at mine for some time so there was a period where we saw each other little but kept in contact daily. I improved slowly and did visit (the crazy lodger had gone and another moved in about the same time but she was away when I visited). He also came to my place more often which I thought was because I was too tired a lot of the time and saved me some energy (CFS is a horrible condition).

    Things seemed to improve quite a bit after christmas and Jan/Feb. In Feb he went away on a trip to see extended and newly discovered family with his mum and step dad. We spoke on Skype every day.

    At the beginning of March my mum had a shock diagnosis of Kidney Cancer AND my Dad has been told he has a tumour that needs a biopsy on his prostate. Very stressful and frightening times. My mum is due to have her kidney removed shortly.

    A few days after this news my boyfriend phoned and said he had done a terrible thing to me that he had an affair with the new lodger and that she was pregnant. I was truely shocked and utterly devastated… now was when I particularly needed his support with my family news to cope with. He knew and knows me best no one else can do this job. I have now to be strong for my family. I cannot tell them now as they need to approach their surgeries without worries about me.

    He at one point said he will never forgive himself for kicking me when I am down.

    Things are very weird with the lady concerned. She has refused to pay him any rent (even though this pays the mortgage) and says when the baby comes she expects not to work. My boyfriend is now very stressed and I am his confidante as he hasn’t told his family yet as he doesn’t know what is going to happen with this lady and the baby. He wasn’t sure it is his but the dates do fit but she was away at one point too. He said she knew from the outset that he had a girlfriend… (but both of them went ahead anyway).

    He has told me he is deeply sorry and it was an opportunity for sex when our relationship was vulnerable he said initially ‘it’ happened just after Christmas then (as I had to have health checks as she is from a high risk country and needed to know when first put at risk) said it was actually in September (when I was more immobile) so they had an affair for a few months. (she was away for most of december and half of november then he was away for most of february).

    He asked her to leave or pay rent – she has now paid the 3 months she owes and says she will terminate the pregnancy (but pregnancy is now nearly 4 months so quite late) I am not convinced.

    Also I don’t know that I should be his confidante but as I cannot tell my family he is my ‘outlet’ and me his.

    He has made such a mess here.

    I cannot do what I would normally do to feel better as not of good health. I would go see friends after work and have a drink or go to dance classes or to gym. I cannot do these things yet because of my health.

    I am fatter than I used to be because of not exercising 3 times a week as I used to before I got ill and I am not young (45) he is 50! The lodger he has had an affair with is 30. So you can imagine how that makes me feel.

    All these things have made me feel terrible I have had my illness and my mum and dads and now the one area of life I could look to for help has been destroyed and I have been lied to for over 5 months.

    I can’t bear this. I thought I had a friend and partner and I seem now to have neither.

    If my health allowed me more energy and I could start to socialise more it would help but how on earth do you ever get over betrayal from a trusted person and then trust another (especially as it will take some time to get strong enough to even consider dating).

    Weekends are the worst. I wish the clock could be rolled back and he could be here with me now.

    J

  8. A L says:

    Thank you for this. I’m going through something not dissimilar, in that my marriage broke down in a horrible way (he had serious mental problems), then Mum died, then I had the most ghastly breakup, far worse than the end of my marriage because I loved him far more and it really ought to have worked – just circumstances tore us apart.

    But this does make me think there may be some hope.

    It’s the succession of events, in both this article and my life, which becomes so exhausting and so depressing. I feel like lack of support from family (for obvious reasons but also historic problems of being very dissimilar and not understanding one another) makes it harder to get over the heartbreak; and the lack of partner makes getting over Mum’s death much harder. I don’t have anyone to help me when I’m trying to face up to difficult emotions, and so it’s hard to face up to them properly, so of course I don’t progress. It feels like a vicious circle and I want something to break it, but I don’t know what.

    Also lack of sufficient work in the recession isn’t helping.

    Church helps keep me sane but I’m ashamed to say that faith isn’t enough right now.

    Will let you know if I figure it out!

  9. Claudia says:

    Hi My husband and I broke up 2 weeks ago on christmas eve that is it’s been like hell
    He’s a foreigner (asian) and returned back to his country leaving me to deal with the divorce bills and everything else. I’m moving out soon as the place holds too many memories I’m still very numb and ideally I’d like him back. Oof that must sound very stupid… I know but maybe it will pass.

    Claudia

  10. angela a says:

    Hey there i am a week out of a breakup and when im struggling a bit to come to terms with it. However i am seeing friends tomorrow so that should help a bit. just want to return to my old self but i am finding it hard i just spend my days not doing much anyhow thanks for listening

  11. chez says:

    i have just broke up with my husband who has been having an affair for 7 yrs a new year a new start. but it hrts like hell

  12. Amanda says:

    I have just broken up from a very destructive relationship and im devastated. He has choosen the life of drink and drugs and i cant be doing with it, I want a life free from drugs and exsessive drinking. How long does this last aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh its killing me

  13. kats says:

    I have just broke up with an old girlfriend from 7yrs ago. I am upset even though deep down in my soul I know that I am not in love with her. about a year ago I had a really bad break with my then fiancee due to drinking too much as i could not coupe what i thought was a forced engagement at the time. A year later i still think about my ex fiancee but have finally come to terms that it is over. I just want to know why Im so upset about splitting with my most recent girlfriend even though i know that we are not meant to be!!Is it because it has bought up some old memories of my fiancee and I breaking up??? please help as im going a bit nuts.

  14. leeann says:

    thank you and good luck for you too! have a wonderful life x

  15. Lazypieman says:

    I think you are right in your decision especially if there are kids around to think about, you have to put them first. Its never easy breaking up, but if you have tried and tried at some point you have to make that decision. It does get easier, my advice is try to put your heart into something else that makes you happy and takes your mind off your situation. Talk to your friends and family they will be able to help you most. Good luck, Mike

  16. leeann says:

    hiya i am going through a break up at the min, love the man so much but he has chosen the drug path and i am afraid i cant be with a man that is into drugs i dont touch drugs myself and i hate them. he says he loves me but wont go for help and to me that aint love, as i would do anything to help him, i have gave him chance after chance but now feel i have no option but to get on with my life i have my twins age 12 to think about. As much as i cant see my life without him in it i realy dont have a choice. my heart is breaking and dont know how i will get through this very hard time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *