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How to Get Over a Breakup

Breakups are never easy, there are so many feelings, memories, love and also anger to cope with, it can be a devastating time and it can really drain you, physically and also mentally.

 

Don’t worry though, nearly all of us have gone through a breakup at some point in our lives so we all know how painful it can be, you are not alone with these feelings.

There are a number of simple things that you can do to help yourself recover from your breakup and heartbreak:-

Talk about your breakup– talk about the breakup with friends and family, confide in them, cry with them.  Talk about every little aspect of the breakup that troubles you, getting it all out in the open really helps you cope the breakup and talking about it helps you process your many thoughts.  They are there for you and they know what you’re going through, they have probably experienced a breakup or heartbreak at some point in their life as I mention above. How did they cope with this type of situation?

Eat – Some people will starve themselves after their breakup while others will binge eat to oppress their emotions.   For information about eating habits after a breakup and heartbreak, like why we comfort eat after a breakup? And how diet can directly affect our moods or what we should be eating, check out this great article about food, breakups and the heartbreak diet by professional dietician, Rhiannon Britton.

Take things easy – It is important to take each day as it comes after straight after your breakup, as you can be both emotionally and physically drained.  Breakups are a major change in our lives and it will take time to adjust, so take it one day at a time and some days will be better than others.  But it will get easier, promise!

Write – There are a couple of useful exercise’s that really helped me recover from my breakup, they may help you.

It can also be useful to try and see your relationship from an outsider’s point of view, so write a letter to yourself about your relationship as though it was your best friend writing the letter, and try to be as honest as possible.
You might say something like ‘I never thought they (your ex) were right for you as you were upset a lot of the time and they always took advantage of your kind nature’.  Sometimes we are really good at giving advice to others but do not listen to ourselves as we are too caught up in the emotion of it, this exercise gives you a more pragmatic view on your own relationship

Remove the pedestal – it is so easy to idealise your ex, they can do no wrong in your memory. They were perfect were they? I very much doubt it there must be something that annoyed you, write it all down.

Write down every little thing that annoyed you, and be brutally honest. Keep this list and any time you think about your ex reread it, again and again until you believe that you are better off without them. Why not write this list on your mobile, and then it’s always to hand.

No contact with your ex straight after the breakup!! – This is one of the hardest things to do, but you need to start letting go, stop emailing, stop texting, stop calling, stop all contact!. Remove them from Facebook and Twitter etc.  The last thing you want are continual tweets or facebook updates of your what you ex is doing all the time.

This doesn’t have to be permanent but for at least a few months after the initial split. You can make a decision later whether or not to remain in contact with your ex once you have had a chance to recover and recuperate your thoughts after you have fully dealt with the breakup and are ready too.

If they are contacting you, ask them politely to stop as this is not fair on you as the breakup was their decision.  This is probably the hardest step but a very necessary one, remember you were fine without them, before you met them, you will be fine without them now.

Only you can help yourself through the breakup stages.

 

Change your routine – If you’re like me then you may have got into the routine of texting, calling or emailing your partner at a certain time each day.  You may also have key dates and days that you associate with your ex i.e. their birthday, Valentine’s Day etc.  Well it’s now time to change your routine as much as you can, find others things to distract you and make a point of doing these things at those times or dates that remind you most.  This will seem really hard at first and these days are bound to bring back fond memories, however you will be surprised at how quickly you change and adjust and how quickly you move on after the breakup.

Try not to isolate yourself – It’s easy when you’re heartbroken and lethargic to stay in by yourself and wallow in your own misery, try not to. Easier said than done I know, but get out the house, go see you mates, go out for the evening. Believe me the sooner you start to try and move on the sooner your happiness will return, this may take time but keep trying, your happiness is not lost.

The first few times you venture out, socialising can be very daunting, especially if you have been in your relationship for a long period of time.  So make sure you go out with mates who understand your situation and that will help you through it.  Try not to go to places you and your ex went, for now, try doing something different from your old routine.

Join the gym / go jogging, cycling etc – Last thing you want to do I know, but the benefits are unarguable. Exercise releases a natural happy hormone which in turn promotes, relaxation and happiness, Doctors will often suggest this to patients suffering depression.  Exercise is a good way to spend your newly found time and will really aid your break up recovery.  It is also great way to stop dwelling on the break up and focus on something else

We have teamed up with The Gym Website to give you up to 50% off your local gym as well.  So sign up and get fit, and then just think how good you will look and feel if you bump into your ex!

 

Be selfish and enjoy your newly found spare time – Do the things you love, go see a film, go watch your favourite team, start a hobby, try horse riding, travel, snowboard, learn to ride a motor bike, you are free to do what YOU want, enjoy!

Look at the life after your ex section for more ideas

Listen to music, but not the break up songs! – Music is amazing and as you know can instantly change your mood.  So why not make a play list of your favourite feel good tunes and listen to them as often as possible, trust me this helps and will lift your mood.  Avoid break up songs and heartache ballads and songs that remind you of your ex, they will just make you think of your ex relationship. You want those songs that make you happy and glad you’re alive; the ones that make you jump around the room or bring a smile to your face.  Music is highly underestimated and can have a real positive effect on your mood.

Forget previous break ups – It’s so easy after a breakup to let previous relationships and losses enter your thoughts, all of those previous insecurities and doubt about yourself can come crashing back and make this breakup so much worse.  But you must try to separate them in your mind, each one is different.  After a breakup we become stronger within ourselves and learn to cope with change and diversity better, so you should be proud that you have let yourself love again. And the same goes for this breakup, you will learn from this breakup and become a better and stronger person for it. You will love again!

Tidy up – I bet that’s not what you wanted to hear, but cleaning up can be surprisingly therapeutic after a breakup.  It helps in a couple of ways, firstly it gives you something to focus on and by doing so your unconscious mind will have time to think about and deal with the breakup, there is something therapeutic about putting things in order.  And secondly your place will be tidy, always a bonus!  If you come across your ex’s stuff or photos just put it all in a box and shove it in a cupboard for now until you can cope with it all properly later.

Altered image– It may help to alter your image slightly as this can enforce your brains perception of the new you and reiterate the fact that you are moving on.  If you can afford it why not splash out on some new clothes, try a new style to suit the new you, plus you will look great if you bump in to your ex.

If you are really daring why not go for a completely different hair style (it will grow back). You might be surprised at what difference a couple of small changes make to your recovery.

Don’t turn down opportunities – It is so easy to sit at home and wallow in self pity about your breakup and the heartbreak you are experiencing, this is normal for a few days.  But the sooner you dust yourself down and pick yourself back up the quicker you will recover from your breakup.  Get back out there again, don’t turn any opportunity down, if someone invites you out, go out with them, even if you are not sure your ready too, you can always come home if things get too much for you.  Opportunities happen everywhere and are often best when unplanned. Watch ‘The Yes Man’ with Jim Carrey you will get the idea!

Organise nights/days out – One of the biggest fears I had after my breakup is the fact that all of my close mates were in relationships and that no one would want to go out (the older you get the more common this becomes).  But if you take the lead more often or not your friends will follow, here are a few ideas.

Remember to laugh – After a serious breakup while your heart is still broken it can sometimes seem like you will never laugh again, thoughts about the relationship and break up can really take their toll.  Help yourself laugh again and put on a watch your favourite comedian, or TV series.  Go and see that friend that who  is guaranteed to make you laugh, believe me you will be happier for it.

Get back on the horse – And last of all of course is to get back on the horse and get back into the dating game. No I don’t mean starting a new relationship immediately that would not be fair on you or on your date obviously give yourself time to recover. But after a while I mean getting out there and having a bit of fun, just going on dates or flirting and appreciating new company again.

A good place to start can be internet dating sites a couple of good ones are eHarmony and also match.com where you can register for free.

Contact a few people online and get chatting, you may find some interesting people out there. Maybe go out for a date, nothing serious, just a couple of drinks or maybe a dinner or even lunch if you want an excuse to leave, but get back out there and enjoy yourself, honestly the single life is not as daunting as you think.

We have put together a top dating website review page, so you can see which ones are the best ones to sign up with, please check it out and let us know what you think.

 

 

What are your thoughts??

Please let me know your thoughts, how are you getting over your break up?  Can you add anything to this list or do you agree or disagree with my thoughts, would love to here from you so please leave feedback below

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by Mike Sheppard

44 Comments

  1. lisa says:

    j3robinson

  2. Cherry63 says:

    I just had to write when I read Rosie’s posting dated 7 May.

    Rosie I would advise you not to contact this man for now. Reading between the lines I feel he may well be trying to make another go of his marriage. Leave him be and I know this will be so so hard but give him space. Men are wired differently to women. They tend not to act on their emotions straight away; instead they go along with what feels right or seems right but months down the line they sometimes realise they have made the wrong judgement and return with their tails between their legs.

    So do not contact him again and if he makes contact he makes contact however for now you must focus on yourself and getting better.

    I really do empathise with how you are feeling right now. I suffered a terrible break up some years ago and though I am a lot better in myself I have not dated since because I know I am still in recovery. You are suffering from a bereavement, it seems you were emotionally very intimate with this man and to suffer abandonment can be very hard. It is painful to think you will never probably see or hear from this man again, you will never know what he is doing, never share simple everyday things again … yes I know because that is exactly how I felt. To know somebody lives in the same country albeit a distance away (mine was a long distance relationship too and we texted, rang each other every day so I do so know how you feel) but that you will never probably see each other again is so painful.

    I can only say that with time the pain grows less and less. I cannot say how long it will take for you to begin feeling better. I still get days when I feel sad and I still have moments when I think of the other person but the pain in my chest has all but gone now but that has taken me nearly 3 years.

    The way I cope is by telling myself that at least I was fortunate to love somebody. By the way, you say he does not answer your calls. His silence is a defence mechanism and it is not because he hates you ok. Hope this helps. He wont be feeling that good about things neither.

    Take care.

  3. Rosie says:

    I was dumped just over a week ago – and I am utterly and totally heartbroken. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I love him so much. He was the kindest, loveliest man I had ever met. I didn’t know they made men like him. We never argued. It would make so much more sense if we had. I just can’t make sense of it and I just feel abandoned.
    He was going through a divorce [same as me] – He has grown up children [same as me]. His house was going to have to go up for sale [same as mine]. He lived around a three hour drive away. Long distance relationship – but we spoke twice a day, txted all the time and he came down nearly every weekend. I only ever went to his house once as he didn’t feel comfortable with me being there. I never met anyone from his life, but he met all my family and friends. We went on several trips and even a foreign holiday. Trouble started when his ex wife decided that to force him to sell the house she was moving back into the family home as she needed her money to move on. He then seemed to go on a downward spiral. Stuck his head firmly in the sand. Firstly said that he wouldn’t put me through this and I was to trust him. Then said that she was moving in and he wasn’t moving out. Said he felt sorry for her but knew their relationship was finished and didn’t want back with her. I tried to be as supportive as I could. The whole situation made us both ill. Finally he came down last Saturday for the weekend….walked in and said that he wasn’t staying…and we had to finish. Said he loved me but not enough. Said I was the nicest person he had ever met…blah blah….
    Long story short….he left and I haven’t heard a thing from him since. I have emailed, texted and tried to phone. He has ignored all. I just feel that the last 7months were a lie. I can’t stop crying. I want him back. I am distraught at the thought of never seeing him again. I miss him so much, and I now can’t contact him. There would be no point. My emails and txts were nice – not begging – but I now have to keep some dignity. Sorry this is all over the place…I can’t eat, sleep or think straight. I don’t see any way out of this.

  4. Jo says:

    Dumped 2 days ago. Still in shock right now. Am dreading the moment it wears off and the pain hits me. We went through so much in the 5 years we were together. We were soulmates. It’s all my fault. I was always so busy with work and I let things slip. She loved me so much. Always let me have my way. I took her for granted. I don’t blame her for leaving. But I can’t believe it’s over. I love her so much. And I’ve been trying to change, but she said it’s too late.

    She says she still wants to be friends but I know I’ll never be able to get over her if I see her. So I told her we can’t see each other. She came over last night to take her stuff and I was a wreck the moment I saw her. I thought I could keep my emotions in check but I couldn’t. I hated that she felt sorry for me.

    I tried making a list of things I didn’t like about her. That helped a bit. But it also made me feel like an asshole. I hope I get over her soon. I don’t want to find out she’s dating another guy. I feel sick in the stomach at the thought.

    But I think there is another guy. She says it’s nothing. But I see the signs.

    When she broke up with me, she said stuff that made it hard for me to accept the relationship was over. She said she still loves me but not the same as before. She said she still believes I am her soulmate. She said she’ll miss me and it hurts her to do this. And she said even though I treated her badly, the good times were really good. And she said she knows she’ll never find someone who can love her as much as I do. And she’ll never love anyone as much as she loved me.

    I gotta get over her.

    Reading everyone’s stories here have helped. Made me feel a bit stronger, and not want to just curl up and die.

    I try to tell myself that I can get through this. I was perfectly fine before I met her. I will be fine again. And I won’t make the same mistakes again.

  5. Julie says:

    I would just like to thank everyone for their comments on this website. Reading all your comments has really helped me. We are not alone in this desperate state of agonising despair.

    Over the years I have had my heart broken several times. However, this split feels the most painful because i took my partner for granted and finally he gave up. I pushed him away and he then found comfort in another’s arms. I can’t say that this wouldn’t have happened if things had been different between us as it might have happened anyway …..who knows.

    The continuous stomach churning and brain stalling thoughts of will he phone, will he change his mind, will he come back, is he still in love with the other woman, I bet he is having fun and great sex with her, has she endured his snoring, does she hate his bad breath in the morning (I would cherish both now!). Does he ever think of and miss me?

    I went on my first Internet date yesterday. Really nice guy, very wealthy, seemed keen on me and all I could bloody well think of was I really would prefer to be sitting here with the grumpy old two timing bastard that for some strange reason I love more now that he’s dumped me for another! Explain that?

    As I said earlier I have had my heart broken badly several times before and whilst you never forget it you do get over it…..it just takes time. I got over the others and it will take me a long time to get over a relationship that has lasted nine years but I will do it and so can you guys.

    A close friend told me that the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else! Not good advice really but it did make me laugh.

    Good luck and future happiness to my fellow heartbrokens on this site. I hope that my comments will help you as much as yours did for me xx

  6. Miss Heartbroken says:

    I guess it helps knowing that everyone goes through this tormenting time. I work with the guy I’m in love with. Recently we started talking a lot and there was a connection. The conversation would get ‘steamy’ at times and it seems as though we were both interested in one another. Suddenly he stopped speaking with me. He randomly spat me out as if I was nothing. It’s difficult because we still work together and I have to see him everyday. Sadly I’m still in love with him and find it hard to move on. He’s speaking with other women and refers to me as ‘a loser who thought we were friends’. It’s so painful 🙁

  7. Jane says:

    My partner of 4 years finished things with me a few days ago by text. We live together in his house and its come as a huge shock to me. He went away for a few weeks to take time out and now I have nowhere to live and my heart is broken. We had been arguing but I never saw this coming. He has been so cold and mean and I don’t know what I have done deserve this. Worried I won’t get over the pain

  8. Jenny says:

    After 15 years together he told me he has never loved me & now got no feelings for me we have a mortgage so at the moment nether can leave which is so hard I’m heart Broken I no he’s seeing some one else he’s says she’s just a friend but I no that’s not true I’m not eating very much & not getting much sleep every day feels painfull I don’t no when it’s gonaget any better been 4 weeks .

  9. alice says:

    thank you for the advice , will try and adopt…..though its hard

  10. here we go again! says:

    hi debra how are you doing tonight? its the break up and heart break for some weird reason i typed the words heartbreak in to google and found this site! ive litrally just split from my partner after 11 years i just didnt trust him i too feel loany heart broken i have no family just two sons who i live for but when the nights come in so does the darkness xx

  11. debra says:

    after 25 years of marriage my husband left for a younger woman i was naturally devastated but then met a man who seemed to adore me. he treated me well, made me feel like ‘the only girl in the world’ to coin a phrase. then yesterday he ditched me to go back to his ex. being heart broken twice in the course of 8 months is almost debilitating. I am praying things get better.

  12. Jade James says:

    This website is very helpful, my boyfriend dumped me a couple of days ago and I have gone through so many stages of grief already. It’s nice to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  13. Terrie says:

    I broke up from my partner a few weeks ago now. First week I entered a state of shock and utter heart break with an inability to eat or sleep and lots and lots of tears.
    I got a lot achieved in the first week – packed up his stuff, painted the place – just tried to get rid of the memories of us.
    Week two was harder as the shock left me and I was able to snack but the sadness set in.
    What I’ve come to relaise two weeks is that you have to give yourself time. I can’t control this. It’s horrible but it does seem to be getting better….

  14. Karen says:

    Urghhhh just emailed him to ask him to collect his stuff and had a go at how he had acted and his response was that there is no proper way to act. I hate him now. I think he’s scum.

  15. Clair Porteous says:

    He moved out last Saturday under the guise that he was leaving to save us. It gave me time to reflect and realise that I had taken him for granted & that we needed to change but also made me appreciate that I loved him dearly. Things had got a little messed up as my father is dying so I’ve had a lot on my plate and I was still reeling from the miscarriage that I suffered with him when he was meant to be infertile. So we haven’t had the best of times. He also unintentionally gave me a couple of choice STDs which we also had to work through but we battled through all of it. He moved out after being one year together and living for the past three months. I sent him flowers on Monday asking for forgiveness and he sent me a message on whatsapp back littered with typos one line long which made me feel he had spent no time on it. In the flowers card I had opened my heart and said that he was my most precious thing…So fast forward I facebook him on that day and ask say that I am picking up signals…and this is when he tells me that he thinks we are incompatible to live with each other, he doesn’t see a future, we are a shadow of what we were (before the miscarriage and STDs) and he is too unstable to be attached. I begged. So I am in shock and grieving. He befriended a girl on facebook last night (blonde 22 lives in his new local area) and it showed up in my newsfeed. To put it into context he never does this and he has awareness that I would see it so he is blocked! I am getting by this day by day… this site has given me a great comfort as it’s just good to hear I am not alone. I am trying to eat but it’s hard. I am not really sleeping and I am on the brink of tears all of the time. This has helped. It’s early days for me but thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences. I am at the start of the road to recovery. Tonight I pack up his remaining things.

  16. veronique says:

    He told me he’s still in love with his ex. I’m alone and away from home.
    I really hope this passes. I’m tired of being miserable.

  17. AnonymousDude says:

    James! You’re situation is twin to mine. She said she only thought of me as a friend. The next day we agreed to give it one more go. Then She changed her mind again and said we should just be friends. I said yes and we are still talking. It’s been 6 months we’ve been together, and we had plans and a sorts. Reading and knowing that everyone had been through a heartbreaking situation really helps. Thankyou all

  18. Cherry63 says:

    It has been one year and 8 months since we parted. I am a lot better than I was but realise I am still not ready to date. I have joined a few dating sites and chat to men but all I do is search for somebody who has the same qualities as my ex .. not good. I realise I am doing this. I thought I would be over him by now but I have still some way to go. I feel it will take me years to finally be ready to move on because I fell completely in love, love takes a long time to recover from, infatuation doesn’t take that long to get over.

  19. charix says:

    I feel better after reading dis piece of work.

  20. Matt says:

    Hi Guy,

    This has helped me alot to come to terms with my break up. I was with my partner for 2 years. The reason we split up was so stupid and she also said it was because i threatened to take my own life and took drugs as well. I only threatened too do this as i was so distraught with her breaking up with me

    She tells me she hates me with her whole heart and sole and i really cannot believe she has been so horrible too me throughout the whole break up. She wont even answer my calls and rarely eva texts me back.

    Worst thing is the week before i planned to ask her to marry me she split up with me so that made it even harder. I cry most days and nights and am finding it very hard to eat and stop drinking alcohol.

    I Hope i can get through this paid barrier. I have told her that i will always be here for her and i pray to god she gives me another chance although i doubt this very much

  21. Jenny says:

    I have just split with my partner of 7 years, we have two small children and it has all came out the blue really! He told me a few weeks ago he didnt know how he felt about me any more and he was considering moving out, he said he wanted to give it another go for the family’s sake. I was gutted, but tried so hard to make things ok but felt like i was the only one trying and he has just given up!
    He has been spending time with one of his old friend (female!!) and i didnt feel comfortable with this but didnt feel like i could speak up as didnt want him to leave me. After trying to check his phone a few time i eventually got my hand on it and there was a txt from her came through. Needless to say i went mad and asked him to leave. It all makes sense now- not saying they have done anything as didnt really have the chance but the texting is bad enough.
    It has only been 5 days since i asked him to leave and its HARD!! He has been all i have ever known since i was 17 and now having the two children (aged 1&3 ) it just makes things harder.
    Now i have found this site im going to keep reading it to remind myself i can do this!! I just wish all the feelings would go away but i know i need to deal with them to get over him.
    It feels like i will never get over this at the moment but im just looking forward to the future and being a good mum to my two beautiful children and being a better person after all the hurt is gone <3

  22. Tina says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend beginning of March after nearly 8 years together. What hurt the most is immediately he started dating a woman who he always claimed was just a friend. It kills me to think of them together and I cry everyday and nights are the worst.

    I have to realise that the relationship I had no longer exists and having come across the site today, im hoping and praying the next weeks ahead get easier.

  23. Max Achola says:

    wow, didnt realise there was so much info on breakups, thought i get prepared, seeing as am heading for one; yap, its like bracing for a bumpy ride and all you want to do is fast forward to the part where you get better. So help me God.

    First piece of valuable advice i have received is to believe what someones says to you e.g. ‘I am tired of ths relationship’, ‘I want you out of my house’ etc. If you dont listen and understand them when they say it, you will regret it very soon. Lets just say peoples words to you are like traffic signs, Steep cliff ahead requires that you slow down and change route if you value your safety. Lesson learnt a bit too late i may say.

    the crying, goodness! i wish there were some serious eyeglasses that let you cry in public given the automatic wipe a tear function and illusion of sexy perfect eyes that conceal even the puffiest ( LOL if there is such a word) of pairs. Now that would come in handy.

    I dnt know abou the talk to people part, the last girlfriend i talked to ended up consoling my ex in very unexpected ways if you know what that means, so i may be a great candidate for pouring my heart in encrypted code away from prying eyes, though i think just reading them on the good days does bring alot of laughter. Maybe i should get them published, then again the movie “Bestman” is a good warning, hmmh i should publish in Chinese!

    The best thing i can say is its good to know you are not alone. Other people have gone through it before. Its like pounding rain that carries away the rubbish and brings back the clean air once its gone. this too shall pass.

  24. Karen says:

    My boyfriend of 4 months has been distance for a little while, and I’ve just found out he’s been facebook messaging and texting someone who he claims is just an acquaintance with children the same age as his with whom he will set up a playdate. Well Ive read those facebook messages and they are quite flirty. So, he hasn’t actually finished with me yet but I know its coming and Im already grieving the loss of him. I know Ive only known him a short while but he came on the high recommendation of very good friends as someone that would be honest and truthful. I fell in love with him, hook line and sinker and as he seemed so honest, I put up none of the guards and barriers around my heart that I know I should have. Think I need to be the one to end it as this is just pergatory. waking up in the night and first thing in the morning and have it all flooding back is just sickening. I havent eaten for 4 days and am just going through the motions with everything. This site is really useful, its good to know Im not alone in my heartache.

  25. fiona says:

    Hi mike
    know exactly how you are feeling my ex is just not interested and I have tried not to contact but its something now I have to face up to. I understand that he want’s space but I just think its a polite way to say get lost. Today was the icing on the cake for me and I am going to try my hardest not to contact him. He knows my feeling etc so if he wants he will have to do the chasing, I am so low I need to realise that the experience I have gone through over the last 8 weeks will end up breaking me for good. Well done for seeing the light if that makes sense?

    take care

    Fi

  26. MikeTDI says:

    Thought I would comment again….
    A week or so on since my last comment and I am feeling a bit better allready. Not 100% better, but getting there. I have had some contact with my ex. I stupidly texted her at the weekend saying how much I missed her. She rang me back right away and we spoke for nearly an hour. We were calm and civil. I expressed my thoughts and feelings and explained that after 3 weeks of being apart ive had some proper time to think exactly what I wanted, and that I want to make a proper go of things with her. But, she still doesnt want that. I couldnt say or do anything to convince her, nothing worked. She said she missed me like crazy, still loves me, thinks about me every second of the day, cant even bear to think of me (or her) with another person, but she has too many doubts in her mind that it wont work long term. Ive given up once and for all. I have tried till im blue in the face to repair and resolve things but shes 110% made up her mind that it will never work. I have no choice but to accept her decision and ive decided to never contact her again. No point in chasing after somthing that is not there. I would just be torturing myself, and her. I just wish I could stop thinking about her. Shes the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, shes on my mind constantly all day, shes the last thing I think of at night, and im even dreaming about her. I do want to forget her and I do want to get over her, im just really struggling to do so. I know what has to be done, keep busy, etc etc, so much easier said than done. Yet I know in some time in the future I will look back at now and think to myself how I ever felt this way. I guess now its a times a healer thing. I just wish that time would hurry up.

  27. James says:

    Very supportive to read these comments. I felt my own heartbreak as unique to me but in fact it’s so common (all my friends have experienced it and one value is that it makes you better able to connect to loved ones who also may have to undergo this). My partner of only 8 months announced he now ‘loved me as a friend’. In truth I let things slip – wasn’t as loving as I could have been; nor he to me. Then after he broke p with me I went away on holiday thinking we might try again and he gave me all the reassurances. On returning he agreed to do so, saying that he loved me, and then four days later emailed me to say that whilst he longed for me and wanted to spend time with me it could never be a “relationship’ or ‘partnership’ again. Mixed messages I guess but I just couldn’t compromise like that. I told myself I deserve better than that. My friends and family have been fantastically supportive but like you all, I miss his presence in my life terribly and have so often almost called him. It’s not easy to put all that love somewhere. But the truth is he didn’t deserve me. He bottled it. He couldn’t come to a decision. And I need to remember not to blame myself but to move on, bring what I’ve learnt to the table for someone else. tomorrow is another day! James

  28. fiona says:

    Hi
    I would like to say how helpful this website has been, I have printed off some of the articles and have been reading them for the last 2 days to try and get my head around my situation.

    My partner of 2 1/2 years came back from a skiing trip six weeks ago and said that he didn’t want to be with myself and my 2 children.

    I went through a bad divorce pervious lost my house and had to go bankrupt.

    I felt that I had meet my best friend soul mate and lover all in one go.
    He helped me get my life back on track and how to help my children get over the divorce
    After a year he said he wanted to move in with me, I was advised by friends and family that it was too soon and my children still hadn’t meet him but I decided it was either now or never, you only get one crack at happiness and I thought we was.
    After he had won my children over he seemed to lose interest and would moan about kids programs being on the TV and they should watch telly upstairs.

    I would ask my children not to make too much noise when he came in from work as he had a stressful job.

    But still I wanted it to work between us, I taught him how to have a relationship with his 3 grown up daughters and how to not be bitter about pass partners.

    He still had the freedom to see his mates and go away on sporting holidays and nights out.

    I have a very social job but he didn’t like me going out after work and due to the recession I stopped travelling the world, he said that he was glad as he felt he could not deal with me being away.

    I gave 200% to our relationship and I really didn’t see this coming, I have been left utterley heartbroken and can bearly function. On top of everything we rent a house together that I can’t afford on my own, he has told me he will carry on paying his half until the contract is finished but I feel I don’t want to be there anymore and don’t want to have to rely on his help.

    It is just like going through my divorce all over again except I am losing someone that I dearly love, I know that time is a great healer but I wish the pain would go away.

    I have some great friends and my mum is great support and they are all trying to help me and be an ear at the end of the phone but god its so hard, not to call or text him.

    Fi

  29. MikeTDI says:

    Great site. It’s helped me so so much. Me and my ex of 2 years broke up 2 weeks ago. She finished with me for reasons that we both let things slip in our relationship. She said I didnt do enough to assure her of a future, this is true I didnt assure her enough, but I did want the same things as she wanted, and with her. I got lazy in certain aspects and I deeply regret that, but im not holding myself to blame for everything. There were reasons why I got lazy. I was left feeling extremly inadequate in that whenever I made plans for me and her daughter and my ex to do things my plans would not be taken seriously or even considered, they were just dissmissed right away, so I stopped making plans for us to do things. This type of thing happened a bunch of times. I felt she ruled the relationship. I had no say in anything, it was allways “be here at this time and do this”, and if I ever raised questions over it then all hell broke loose. Whenever we had a diss-agreements I would calmly talk about it, she would scream and shout, get worked up then when it was time for me to have my say she would instantly throw me out of her house. Each time there was a problem she would want to throw the towel in and give up, not talk and work it out. Never wanted to do anything with my mum. And the one thing that hurt me the most……I met her parents before she met mine, I kept asking her to come and meet my mum and dad, she kept putting it off and putting it off, yet for me to meet her parents was not an issue. In the end she never met the one person in my life who I loved the most and allways will….my dad. He passed away. And that hurts me so so much. To think she didnt want to meet the idol in my life, and she never did, because he passed away. Looking back at it now I just feel like I was a rag doll used as and when. Told what to do, when to do it, my family never mattered it was most important that I put 110% in with hers. She wouldnt even come and visit my mum at Christmas, nor come to the cemetery with me to visit my dads grave at Christmas. Typing this is making what she thought of me come to life now.

  30. Dawn says:

    Hi! I would like to thank all of the other contributors to the posts ; it does help to know that you are not alone at a time when you DO feel particularly alone. I feel a bit of a fraud, given that my relationship was not long standing, as many of the aboe were, but it really mattered and I felt I had found my soul mate, the man who was going to be my partner for life. He seemed to be a gift from the gods and was kind and caring but some aspects, I found almost impossible to bear. I would welcome other peoples’ views and advice, tips etc… currently am feeling desperate and barely able to function. We had met many years ago at university and although he was always appealing, he was only a vague acquaintance. we met up again and he became the focus of my every moment… but – he does a job which takes him to America often, works for an ex, which involves him staying at her house whilst they do business. Then, at the weekends, he stops at the house of an ex, who he also lived with, ran a business with, gave the business to and still talks to on a daily basis…. she has the password to his facebook account and even set it up – it is she who selects and inserts pictures and the last two have been him with her daughter, the most recent one was posted within hours of him landing in LA… and the first thing he did was take her to lunch. I don’t understand why it is necessary for him to actually stop at her house but he just thinks I am being unreasonable. The latest thing, which caused him to tell me to “THINK WHAT YOU WANT. DO WHAT YOU WANT.” was that she is dropping him off at the airport. To which I replied that I would not be the one collecting him from Heathrow under these circumstances…. To be dropped off by one and collected by another would just be too weird and I know I would not be doing the same in reverse. Both of these exes are married but this does not stop me feeling tormented by the whole situation. Does anybody else find this unreasonable? To me, it is hurtful and even if I am being irrational, why does my hurt or pain count for nothing? In every other respect, he is great and my kids love him. He is as if tailor made for me, we have so much in common and he always mades me feel worthwhile – apart from this. It is hard to be at home, knowing he is stopping with one or other of his exes

  31. Helen says:

    Well…I’m two weeks in to a split from my boyfriend of only 16 months. Not long, but after an out-of-the-blue e-mail (he works overseas quite a lot) telling me he needs to ‘find himself’ and is applying for jobs in Australia, I decided that loving someone wasn’t enough and that I finally had to look after myself. We’d been talking about our plans for the future only a week before, but hey, from reading the other postings this is not uncommon! For an immature 37 year-old with committment and communication problems 😉 Chugging through ‘self-help’ books currently and trying to latch on to positive things that will shift me forwards. New hair cut, throwing myself in to work with renewed ferver, booked girls’ holiday, full diary, a bit worn out with it now as I’ve been running on fumes for a while. Shall be listing a plethora of said books on ebay over the coming weeks – watch out folks! Whilst being realistic about this relationship ending, I can honestly say that he is my first true love and the one that I really, tentatively dared to think/hope might be ‘the one’. Dreading him being in contact when he’s back off his current job in a week or so as he has things to pick up from my house, but quite determined not to speak to him again, and have (politely) declined his offer for us to remain friends because he cares so deeply for me that he can’t imagine me in his life. He did, he ditched me, and by e-mail too! This has been therapeutic writing this, makes me realise that it was a cowardly way out and helps me to see the not-so-good things when I gravitate towards rose-tinted. Now just need to be able to go wobbly-lip free when I leave the house and I’ve started to crack it.

    And to wean myself off self-help books…

    What I didn’t anticipate was that I’d be hit just as hard by strong memories from my marriage (I divorced 5 years ago after he had an affair). These I wasn’t expecting, as I’d honestly thought that I’d done my grieving for that after several years of hurt and loss and had burried such things far enough down never to be able to dig up again. What’s that all about?! As if things aren’t rubbish enough, it seems that ALL my past relationships woes are coming to kick me at the same time.

    I’ve never had a relationship where someone hasn’t left suddenly, and left me with a lot of unresolved things to find a home for. Something that I have come to realise though, from the odd book that has been insightful (there is an awful lot of rubbish out there about how to get your ex back etc.), is that it’s now up to yourself to make changes for the better, and to learn from the previous experience about behaviour that you won’t accept and shouldn’t accept from someone else. And this is also an ideal time to learn about yourself too, and about how you are in relationships and what your values are. At the end of the day it takes two to make a relationship work, and it takes a lot of work to make one good, deep and lasting. I do find it sad that there seems to be an increasing number of people who don’t realise that relationships are founded on good communication, friendship, committment, caring with a little (or a lot if you’re lucky!) of passion thrown in for good measure. And that they aren’t always great and can take a lot of hard work – but it can be worth it in the end.

    I hope that you all never stop trying and being able to give of yourself when you do meet someone else. Heart-weary as I am, I know that I won’t. You never know when you might meet someone who will want to share their life with you too, and who’s perfect partner you will be. So just be kind on yourself, take time to recover. Embrace your hurt and grief because you can’t choose to get rid of it or when it will go. Shift up a little and let it in, just don’t let it have the entire sofa, OR let it drink all your wine. And certainly don’t let it have the remote, that’s yours now! And then nudge it out by stealth. Since it doesn’t have the remote it’ll probably get bored and go of its own accord eventually anyway. And you’ll be too busy with your own life to notice 🙂

    My Dad said a lovely thing to me today, and that’s that he would always love me and look after me. If only I could meet someone as grand as my wonderful Dad (I’m 37 btw). And I know that my friends will too. We all have people who love us because we are who we are, and take as much comfort from that as you can in rubbish times. They’ll know that you’re in terrific pain and will do what they can to help you along, prop you up, and push and pull you when needs be. Let them take care of you when you’re struggling.

    And above all (sounding Baz Lurhmann), be dignified when dealing with your ex. When you reach the stage when you can look back, you’ll be able to do so knowing that you kept your integrity. By doing this they will probably always wonder if they made the right decision in ending things because they had no bad behaviour to blame you for. If you don’t have to talk to them again then don’t, because they then have to deal with the break-up too, and cant’ rely on you to comfort them as you’ve always done. Walk away with your head held high, and months and years down the line that will help in your healing. We all do have the strength to do this.

    I wish you all the very best for the future. Sad times at the moment, but exciting and new times, full of new experiences and some new people too.

    Helen

  32. M says:

    Hi
    Well in the same boat once again, 2 1/5 years ago I split from my long term partner we had been together over ten years we had a young daughter nice house nice cars good jobs etc, my partner i think had a breakdown and we split I moved out and bought another house etc he did want to try again but i felt so much hate towards him i just couldnt. Id been living on my own for sometime and did the dating site thing abit got messed about my a couple of guys. Then i bumped into an friend id know all my life but we didnt stay in contact that much. i hadnt seen him for sometime we both knew each others past etc. we went out on a date and i fell instantly never belived in love at first sight but it happend. I was on cloud nine he said he was too. Knowing him made me trust him fully and i let him enter mine & my daughters life immediatly he was wonderfull with her and everything was fantastic his wife had left him three years previous but the divorce had never been sorted out so late last year he got things goin well thats where it all went wrong i think, she wont agree to anything and is just been really akward and making life difficult and he is to stubborn to give in. all for the sake of a few grand (not a lot in my opinion to get it over with) anyway he started to withdraw from me and spent less time with me & my girl and stopped treating us the way he did, and as this has happend ive got cross i dint think it was fare on us, we were supposed to be his future and he was letting the past ruin it. we started arguing late last year and had some major fights I think because i knew there was something wrong deep down. Anyway came to final blow last week when he said he couldnt deal with the agro of the divorce and me giving him agro too and needed space I was mortified I love him & think the world of him as does my daughter. im heartbroke. he had been texting me everyday 1st thing in a morning and last thing at night and making it out like nothing had happend he was still putting kisses on. I couldnt figure it. yesterday i found the courage to phone him we talked for hours. He says he’s confused and doesnt know what he wants now says he needs to know if he misses me before he makes a desicion on if he can make us work . should he already know that, we have been together 10 months. he said he carnt deal with all the arguments. so I said how long do you need to make your mind up “i dont know” thats all he kept saying so I said ok we’ll have a seperation period of 4 weeks with no contact at all unless you do miss us and then you can ring me or whatever and we can start to mend things between us. he agreed he would and that was that. Im gutted and feel very lost i made him my world. big mistake. seen as how we wasnt his. Im glad i came across this page i feel a little better remembering we have all been here before. should anyone want to e-mail and have a chat even if you can just give me your opinion it would be appreciated. mjc_832@hotmail.com

  33. Ruth Cole says:

    My partner spilt from me on Saturday after being with him for 4 years i thought i had met another love as my husband died suddenly and i met him unfortunately most of the reasons was due to my stupid fault he worked in Germany for most of the year and i was left on my own only having contact with him on Facebook i made the ultimate mistake of going on dating sites for fun and he found out when he came back i paid the price for it and he ended it i am trying to cope with it but life seems again very grim there was a age gap between us but that was not the problem i feel will i ever get over this grief again as it seems so hard now for me my world has just turned upside down again.

  34. Mark C says:

    Its amazing how simply reading other experiences can help.. thank you all..

    I moved from London to Leicestershire a year ago with my partner of 9 years and our 4 year old son..It had always been her dream to move out of London and buy a house, so I willingly relocated, leaving all my support network behind in the process. She’s now told me that its not what she wants and its over. She doesnt love me anymore so there’s no way back. I feel soooooo aggrieved. Not least because she never let me know that her feelings were changing..Had I known, maybe things may have been different..

    The irony is that we cant afford to sell for another year lol, so we’re still living together.. possibly good for our beautiful son, but not for my state of mind or recovery..

    As I said, this site is helping. if anyone wants to chat, my email address is markjamescliff@yahoo.co.uk.

    x

  35. george says:

    thank you for this website i now know im not on my own.my wife left me 6 months ago after six years (only married a couple) we have a little girl 5. and although we both agreed it was for the best the last couple of weeks its been really hard,i have shared access but when i take her back to her mams i feel like i am letting her down not being there.and i think she is going to forget about me(silly i know)i have had very little contact with anybody apart from my wife when i pick up my daughter up and the window cleaner,i feel so alone even though im not i have a lot of family and friends but find it hard to talk to them,started to talk to an old friend on facebook which is helping.she says she doesnt mind but i feel im putting on her as she has had problems of her own this past year.i feel like ive got nowhere to turn,things are starting to get on top of me cant sleep dont eat during the day and my job is starting to suffer.it has helped finding this site and putting down into words how im feeling THANK YOU.

  36. Tim says:

    Currently splitting up from 9 year marriage. We have 2 kids. I’m from Australia, we met over here, lived here for 9 years, then headed there. She’d had an affair, told me she doesnt love me anymore and packed up and moved back to England. I came back to to be near my kids. I feel like a fool, I still love her, want my marriage to work (denial?) But I’m also incredibly miserable, I need to be with family and friends, but can’t leave. I dont want to be a weekend dad. Why do I lose everything.

  37. KATHLEEN says:

    jst split from my husband of 18 years. we met in school when i was 13 now 35. To Robert we are not all hurtful. I feel the typical fool at the moment. Gave him my life then typically get dumped. Never thought it would happen. He was cheated on when younger and left him emotionally untrusting and promised he could never hurt me like that. Guess what? Hes been having an affair with someone he met through facebook. Fell like all men are B**** but I have to have faith for the furure that this is not true. Crying and crying and crying but deep down i know i will get over it. The advice here is really helpful. Anyone want to talk i am on Facebook under kathleen feltham or on hotmail. Facebook ruined my life now i want to use it to rebuild it.

  38. heartshock says:

    Really appreciate this page. It made me understand whAt I am going through so much more . I am in the denial stage and I realised I need to be honest with myself and take him of the pendastal I put him on. Its hard but its what I have to do. I’m in the middle of exams at the moment. Its my final year of my degree and we split up 10 days before I startd exams and have contact up until yesterday. Its hard to be going through all this at this moment because I find nothing important at the moment and I can’t even get down to studying. I have this anger that I is hard to let go because I feel he is not here when I need him. Stupid things upset me. Our should have been first major anniversary just passed and we lost that. My friends wedding was last night and I attended alone. We planned to be together on certain days to go to some sports matches because he is passionate about that stuff and those days just passed and we missed that to. Diwali christmas work parties friends coming into the country new years is all coming around the corner and he won’t be there for that to. I tot and sometimes still think that he is the one and we said that a lot it our relationship but I’m so angry that now with all these major things happening in mylife he is not here to share them with. I am so angry that he isn’t want to try make us work because it makes me feel that every day we spend together was a lie and I actually wasn’t that important

  39. Sue says:

    I’d been seeing someone so very special for a year and 8 months – may not seem too long but when we weren’t seeing each other we were speaking on the phone and texting so it was very intense. I thought we were soulmates, in fact we’d even expressed that to each other. We were virtually twins – not only some physical characteristics in common but traits like a daft sense of humour, that kind of thing. We broke up a few days ago after a month of tremendous ups & downs and I’m still devastated. Crying several times a day and just can’t stop thinking of him. Sites like this are so helpful – thank you.

  40. jane says:

    my boyfriend broke up with me because after 13 years he has drifted apart from me . whilst drifting he didnt speak to me he just told me he didnt want to date me any more.he wants to be my friend still and we have being making contact every day. tonight i decided to stop contact. i deleted his number and all the texts i had saved. i know i have to be strong. this break up web site is helping thank you

  41. Connie says:

    I Have Recentley Broke Up With My Boyfriend Because I Found Out That He Was Cheating On Me We Were Together For Quite A While And I Spent 24/7 With Him And Now That Hes Gone My Life Is Falling Apart I Cry Myself To Sleep Every Single Night Im Not My Self He Ment Everything To me And Now Hes Gone Its Like i Have Nothing Left And I Told Him That I Loved Him And Forgived Him For What He Did I Told Him He Ment Everything To Me And I Asked For Another Chance And That I Was Stupid For Letting Him Go But He Didnt Say Anything And I Really Wanted Him Back And Now I Just Feel Like I Hate Him But He HAs Stolen My Heart And I Just Need To Get Over Him And This Site Is Really Helping ThankYou x

  42. Nadine Barney says:

    I came home from work on 6th August to an empty house and everything gone with a dear john letter…..I am heartbroken….was on leave for 2 weeks with kids on my own and all I could do was cry. went back to work yesterday but everyone just wanted to talk about it and today i was sent home because I was a complete wreck….thank you for this site it has helped and even better knowing I am not the only one going through this. If you want to contact me my email is nadinebarney@hotmail.co.uk, I have no Idea but it may help talking to others experiencing break-ups too, knowing we are all going through this together. x x

  43. charlie marie says:

    my partner split up with me yesterday(on my birthday) we been together 5 years and we have 2 small sons. how can i get over this…totaly heart broken

  44. Belinda Campbell says:

    Thank you so much for this website…. it stopped the tears and I will read your advice over and over 🙂

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